We’ve all felt it before; we just didn’t know how to verbalize it enough to get real clear answers. You know that feeling; it’s a lonely feeling, the feeling of not being understood. It’s the feeling that life is withholding vital information about your truth, and you have no clue on how to unlock the keys to your soul. It’s when our beliefs don’t match the results of our reality. You believe that since you are nice, people should be nice to you, and you should be immune to painful relationships. When you give your loyalty and faithfulness to another person, in return you expect them to be loyal and faithful to you. But this is not the case in every relationship, and life doesn’t always seem fair. Trying to be nice all the time, being a people pleaser, and putting everyone and everything above yourself doesn’t result in your personal fulfillment. These behaviors come from the purpose of gaining other people’s approval. However, when it comes to living a life you desire and of your purpose, it may require you to say no when it’s necessary and to make the choice to acknowledge your needs and health over servicing another person, and also putting yourself first. However, many of us struggle to prioritize ourselves because when we do, it’s followed by feelings of guilt and shame.

But have you ever stopped and asked yourself, “What if being too nice causes you to lose yourself?” Beginning in childhood, we are systematically programmed to be nice, share our toys, and smile when someone compliments us. Society’s standards teach that being nice is the way to go if you want people to like you. However, trying to be nice may often mean lying to others about what you think and how you feel, and being too nice can cause extreme people pleasing. While there’s nothing wrong with being nice, the issue occurs when we intentionally commit ourselves to the “I’m nice” personality, solely to gain the approval and validation of others. This is when “being nice” becomes less about building healthy relationships and more about getting people to see you in a certain way. This can lead to you shifting your identity to appease others resulting in you losing your true authentic self. In our world of social media, we are rewarded for how many likes and followers we have. When you post something that other people enjoy, you gain public approval, and when you post opinions or content that people may agree with, you can gain lots of followers. People are rewarded on social media the more others approve of them, which can motivate unhealthy people-pleasing behaviors. This has resulted in many people losing sight of authentic self-awareness, and instead of fulfilling personal goals, we become distracted by the influence of others. Could this lead to a “need to please,” and instead of addressing necessary conflict, we prefer to be nice?

It needs to be understood that being nice doesn’t always mean being kind. Kindness is the quality expressed in being friendly to others due to the habitual consistency of being a friend to yourself. But even after being kind to others, you may find yourself wondering why kindness isn’t always reciprocated. It’s the same as when bad things happen to good people; we all want to know why. How can a mother verbally abuse and demean one daughter but excessively compliment and praise her other daughter? How can a boss respect and admire one worker yet despise another? How can a man lie, cheat, and betray one woman and later settle down to marry and be faithful to another? Why are people different with different people? Have you ever found yourself wondering why you had to go through that terrible relationship, why you dealt with so much trauma in your childhood, why you’re still single after so many years, or why you struggle with loneliness and pain? You may also wonder why one of your relationships or friendships ended and why you experienced so much betrayal. You may be asking yourself, Why me, why now?

As nice as you are, as hard as you work, and as much as you give, you might still find yourself in unwanted, low-quality relationships with people who don’t value you. You notice how they treat you differently. You might even second-guess your own perceptions or feelings.

Imagine how this self-blame and judgment can impact you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Justifying a broken heart and mistreatment with thoughts of inadequacy becomes a way of life. But whose fault is it? Who can you blame for the feeling of defeat? It’s my fault (you blame yourself and feel unloved), it’s his fault (you blame your ex), it’s their fault (you blame your parents), and when those don’t work . . . maybe you blame situations, others, your relationships, or even God and the Universe.

How can you have such great desire and passion for an amazing life full of love, happiness, and abundance, but experience a reality defined by the misery of unhealthy relationships? You are good to people, so why aren’t they good to you? You may find yourself saying, “Why am I so unhappy when I work so hard to make others happy? When will I experience the joy of life?” Instead, you are faced with more disappointment. You feel the conflict of your dreams saying yes but the reality of your life screaming no. That was my own experience. I believed that being nice, reliable, and supportive toward others would improve my relationships and influence others to treat me better. However, my personality habits were teaching others to mistreat, use, and take advantage of me. This is what led me to learn about the personality habits that attract negative relationships. I’m going to share these self-sabotaging personality habits with you now.

Personality Habits That Enable Pain and Suffering

There are many ways in which we subconsciously contribute to attracting painful relationships. But people who are empathic—considered “sensitive,” or very tuned into the feelings of others—may be most at risk. As an empath, you don’t just feel for people; you feel with people by taking in others’ emotions. You go out of your way to help others, and it may feel extremely bad or disappointing when you’re not able to. Helping others and giving of yourself may sometimes seem like a positive trait, but these habits often lead to toxic relationships.

The following list includes personality habits that you might recognize in yourself. When embodied excessively, these seven characteristic behaviors invite negative relationships. I’m going to help you identify the habits you are falling prey to, and then I’ll offer solutions on how to exchange them for more positive habits.

1. The “I’m always here to listen, so call me anytime” personality
2. The “I’m going to say yes even though I want to say no” personality
3. The “I’m an excellent problem solver and perfectionist” personality
4. The “I’m your number-one helper so you can rely on me always” personality
5. The “I’m an overachiever so I can make anything work” personality
6. The “I’m loyal and committed no matter what” personality
7. The “I’m a peacemaker” personality

The Solution: Positive Personality Traits to Strive For

The following descriptions are of traits and personalities that serve you and your relationships in a more fulfilling way. These characteristic behaviors represent personal security and stability. They are traits of confident people who have a strong, firm self-image and high self-esteem. These characteristics teach people to respect and honor you.

1. The “My time and attention are valuable” personality
2. The “I am bold enough to say no” personality
3. The “I value focus and clarity; I stay away from confusion” personality
4. The “I prioritize myself first” personality
5. The “I’m worthy of good things” personality
6. The “I’m good at loving you from a distance” personality
7. The “I can be calm while having a hard conversation” personality

After reviewing both the negative and positive personality habits, you may find some that you relate to or maybe you would like to work on improving them. The positive personality habits not only strengthen and enhance healthier relationships, but they also eliminate negative toxic relationships. These characteristic habits can’t be acted out, and there’s no quick fix. There’s no way to fake it until you make it. It requires a daily commitment to true mental, emotional, and physical change.

This is an excerpt from The Love Habit chapter 1: Nice People Get Hurt Too.